Destroyed by my past…

Today was a new day, but something of the past. She spent the night with me last night. It was soothing to have a warm body next to me, specially hers. She held me close as we drifted into dreamland. I had to wake up early this morning to go to work. I pride myself on being on time for work, for never being late. She doesn’t like to get up in the morning. If lived on my own she couldv’e just slept, but my dad was going to be coming home and would have not been happy to find her in his house alone. My past expieriences with trying to wake her up, didn’t really work all that well in the past. I tried to be sweet in the past, in ended with her falling back asleep. She is a very cranky person in the morning. This morning i didn’t have time to try to wake her up, I had time to get up get ready and be out the door. So I wasn’t the nicest person trying to wake her up. I just kept saying her name louder and louder till she’d finally hear me. I tapped the bottom of her foot and her knee. She freaked out and started complaining. I took it as yelling when she says it supposedly wasn’t.

I found myself back in a room with amanda, She made a comment about me not caring, and I said “your right cause i don’t care at all” and I could feel the walls closing in around me, and it felt like amanda hanging over my shoulder. I feel like i’m making something so small so dramatic, as if I should not be affected by amanda this much, sometimes I try to convince myself that it was me, not her. Other times I want to break down and cry because of how things were. When she yells or gets angry I find myself wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear, pretend like I don’t exist anymore. Is there such a thing as post traumatic stress syndrome after a relationship. I’m scared because of her.

I wanted to turn to her and say you sound just like her, but I knew better and bit my tongue. I know that sometimes she might sound like her. I need to remind myself she is NOT her. Its just so hard, because it still feels so fresh in my mind. I’m sick of people telling me that its because I haven’t dealt with it. I dealt with it the day I got choked and punched in the face. I dealt with it when I walked away from the little girl that still carries around my heart and doesn’t even know it, when I walked away from her, knowing i would never see her again. I dealt with it, when I made the decision to leave. I have been dealing with it for months and month now. I’m over her. I feel no love for her, I feel no sympathy for her, I feel a lot of disgust for who she has become. I feel disgust for knowing how that little girl is going to be raised, and there isn’t a thing in the world that I can do.

I hate that this wretched girl has so much power over me, so much power over the next person that I am with. I wonder everyday if she will soon just fade away. Then I realize, I have a job, I am making money and being responsible, going to school and doing everything on my own. As all of my irresponsibility, lack of motivation and low self confidence fade away so to will the fear of her.