Cusslikeasailor’s Blog
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Nov
19

I had a very ridiculous dream last night. Normally when I first wake up I remember my dreams then they slowly fade away, by today its about 10 in the morning and I still remember mine.

I was in a big rustic house in the woods, and my ex eric was there and he was really mad at me, he pulled out a gun and shot me in the chest and I went to turn to walk away from him and he shot me in the back. The wounds started to bleed right away but didn’t bleed for long, i just started to swell in the areas that I got shot. My parents were there but they wouldn’t help me. I had to get in the car to drive myself into the citry. I got there but didn’t know how to get to the hospital so I stopped at a friends house so she would take me. I remember that I couldn’t breathe, as hard as I tried I couldn’t catch my breath. We started walking and I knew she had been doing drugs but I didn’t realize how bad it was, we walked in a complete circle, I didn’t think I could go any farther. The heavy set woman came over to us, she in some sort of uniform,  like an EMT uniform and was showing me the number for an ambulance in a phone book. The no one would let me borrow their phone, I finally got one and was looking in the phone book for the number again but she changed the page and I remember her getting frustrated and putting the page back and yelling at me, thats when I got really light headed and past out. I remember laying on the ground with my eyes rolling into the back of my head and then coming back to normal and just blurring inbetween conscious and unconscious. These two guys came and were sitting behind me and they were shooting up herion then the friend that I was with started doing it to. Everyone was just staring down at me, I kept thinking i’m going to die because these idiots, then one of the guys took his needle full and shoved into my arm, and filled me up. I remember hearing the heavyset lady yelling at him and him saying I thought it would help. Then I went into shock and my body started shaking and twitching and I was finally knocked unconscience. Then my alarm went off and I woke up. Isn’t that fucking insane?!

So that was my dream last night, I have no idea what is going on in my head.

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Nov
19

I have come to the conclusion that I am bi-polar in my gender performance (fancy for butch or femme). Some people like to take the term androgenous, but not for me. Its not a blur between the genders, its just I want to be completely dominant and have a girly girl on my arm, or I want to be the girly girl. I’m sure its perfectly normal but com’mon now, its confusing as fuck. As stated in my last entry I really just want to fuck a girl that when we are done fucking, I have her lipstick smeared around my mouth, sweat gathering on my forehead, and just so much heat in the room you can cut it with a butter knife.  I want this but I will not be the girl that wears the lipstick, ever. But I do sometimes want to be the one that is dominated and treated like a girl. Geeze, that is very confusing.

I have learned so much about myself sexually. I have learned that I love being dominated, only with certain people. I have to be comfortable for reasons from my past. I also learned that I want to dominate. I learned that I like being choked, Iv’e also found myself wanting to do it to other people. Its a turn on having that kind of control. I’ve also realized that horror and gore turns me on. I have never gotten off harder then when I had sex while I was [listening] to a horror movie. The girl screamed in terror as I screamed from pleasure. It was intense. My apologys to those who are disturbed but you can just as easily leave this blog.

I’m at such a strange cross road in my life, with the oppertunity to take any and all paths. It is not a major turning point in my sexual life or life in general. It is a major time for oppertunities. I have never been more excited.

Sentence of the day. “An unkindness [of Ravens]- n., a group of ravens.”

Nov
18

So I have been having the craving to be with a girl that can smear her lipstick on my face when she kisses me. I don’t know what it is, but it came out of know where. I normally go for the girls that are butch. But i just want to be with a girly girl for once. But I do still like lauren, I like her a lot. But just have a lot of different desires. That is why I am glad that we are deciding to wait before we start dating. I’m definitely not ready to be in a relationship. I would just break another heart that I am not ready to break. I’m living life for myself, nobody else.

Have you ever just sat back in your surroundings and felt completely comfortable like nothing could be better, but only in the most simple moments? All the problems through the day, through your life just seem to melt away. It is an amazing feeling, knowing you are just genuinely happy, even just content with those few moments that pass. I normally feel like this when I’m sitting down with a paint brush or pencil in my hand. I have music flowing around me, warmth filling me, and and creativity falling out of my fingertips.

Nov
14

Today was a new day, but something of the past. She spent the night with me last night. It was soothing to have a warm body next to me, specially hers. She held me close as we drifted into dreamland. I had to wake up early this morning to go to work. I pride myself on being on time for work, for never being late. She doesn’t like to get up in the morning. If lived on my own she couldv’e just slept, but my dad was going to be coming home and would have not been happy to find her in his house alone. My past expieriences with trying to wake her up, didn’t really work all that well in the past. I tried to be sweet in the past, in ended with her falling back asleep. She is a very cranky person in the morning. This morning i didn’t have time to try to wake her up, I had time to get up get ready and be out the door. So I wasn’t the nicest person trying to wake her up. I just kept saying her name louder and louder till she’d finally hear me. I tapped the bottom of her foot and her knee. She freaked out and started complaining. I took it as yelling when she says it supposedly wasn’t.

I found myself back in a room with amanda, She made a comment about me not caring, and I said “your right cause i don’t care at all” and I could feel the walls closing in around me, and it felt like amanda hanging over my shoulder. I feel like i’m making something so small so dramatic, as if I should not be affected by amanda this much, sometimes I try to convince myself that it was me, not her. Other times I want to break down and cry because of how things were. When she yells or gets angry I find myself wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear, pretend like I don’t exist anymore. Is there such a thing as post traumatic stress syndrome after a relationship. I’m scared because of her.

I wanted to turn to her and say you sound just like her, but I knew better and bit my tongue. I know that sometimes she might sound like her. I need to remind myself she is NOT her. Its just so hard, because it still feels so fresh in my mind. I’m sick of people telling me that its because I haven’t dealt with it. I dealt with it the day I got choked and punched in the face. I dealt with it when I walked away from the little girl that still carries around my heart and doesn’t even know it, when I walked away from her, knowing i would never see her again. I dealt with it, when I made the decision to leave. I have been dealing with it for months and month now. I’m over her. I feel no love for her, I feel no sympathy for her, I feel a lot of disgust for who she has become. I feel disgust for knowing how that little girl is going to be raised, and there isn’t a thing in the world that I can do.

I hate that this wretched girl has so much power over me, so much power over the next person that I am with. I wonder everyday if she will soon just fade away. Then I realize, I have a job, I am making money and being responsible, going to school and doing everything on my own. As all of my irresponsibility, lack of motivation and low self confidence fade away so to will the fear of her.