Why?

I don’t understand why I am having all these emotions. I have been talking to amanda again, and I’m realizing when I talk to her that I still love her. I am still in love with her, and that I wish she could get her life together so me and her could be happy again like we were when we first go together. When we were engaged, and I was going to marry her, and we had our little family. I look back all the pictures, the smiles, the kisses, and the holidays. Its so hard to look at them and remember the bad times.  I’m starting to push out all the bad memories and all thats left are the good. I hate it. I want to hate her, I want to forget about her. I don’t know. I’m done with it all.

Me and Lauren finally had the whole talk about just being friends. It was such a relief. No more pressure, no more psychoticness. We have been having a lot more fun together as just friends anyway.

I will update more later, i need to go take a shower and get ready for the day.

I want someone…

I want someone that will go on a vacation and I will actually miss…want to jump into their arms when they get back and tackle on the bed and just stare through their eyes.   I want someone I can miss, but I know is coming back. I want someone that looks at art like I do, that will finish my thoughts but there is no way I could be annoyed with it, someone that doesn’t turn everything into a competition, then argue with me and say that they aren’t, someone who will just admit they rolled their eyes at me and not pretend like i’m stupid, someone that doesn’t make me feel stupid but lets me feel intelligent even when maybe i’m not. That will play xbox with me, and not make it all about them.

So those are the things I would love in a person, and the things I don’t have with (insert name here).

Its wierd to be in the position where i’m not happy with that person, and finally no matter how hard I try I can’t force myself to be happy with them. Iv’e never been the one to say no. I’ve made myself available and willing to the people that wanted me, because I didn’t think I had any other option. It’s a very twisted person I had become. Now i’m just not interested. She is an awesome friend, but I think she was my rebound, my “get on with my life”, my “let go of your inhibitions”, she was my first step out.

I’m ready to climb the rest of the stairs now, I’m sorry.

Future brings chaos.

My work called me this morning while I was passed out. I’m not sure if that was my influence to adding another shift to my already hectic schedule. I guess its really good for making a good amount of money. This is going to be my schedule starting January 5th. I’m going to be working from 7 in the morning to 6 at night monday thru friday. Then on saturdays and sundays 9 am to 9 pm. Then January 20th I start school so on top of that school mondays leave straight from work at 2:30 go straight to school and i’ll be there till 10 at night, then tuesdays and thursday i’ll be working till 6 then school from 7 pm to 10 pm. Its going to be CRAZY.

My work has been working really well with me about working with this construction company. So it gives me job security for when this construction job is over. I’m gonna be banking good money. In one week I should make about $840, super exciting!!

Okay I need to go get in the shower now.

Identity Crisis

So I have been so lost in myself, been hostile and confused, everyday. I don’t mean to be but I just don’t want to be bothered by human existence, excluding a couple people. There are people that I don’t think could possibly annoy me, but most of those people are out of state and don’t really have the means to annoy me. I haven’t been working and its put me in this really weird funk. I can’t say that is a bad thing, that means that I’m unhappy when I’m not working and that my ass needs to be at a job. I don’t think I have ever felt that way, I was comfortable not working. I’m glad in that way that I have grown up.

I’m becoming this new person that I don’t know. I really want to take myself out to Starbucks and have a hot coffee and get acquainted with myself. I think it would be a good time. With all the new things I have been interested in.

Well I have the headache from hell from having my eyes dilated this morning for my eye appointment.

Wish List

the one i couldn’t show my parents

this corset

with this wig

I also want a garter belt that matches the corset

So those are just a couple things that I want. So good thing I just got this new job where i’m going to be making 15 dollars an hour. If anyone is interested in donating to my dirty wish list fund let me know.

I will hide you behind my humiliation

I wrote Aimee a message on myspace the other day, saying that I was reminising through old memories of me and her. Putting myself into those emotions and moments and it was amazing what we had. We had some thing so innocent and pure. I loved her, I really did love her. I still do. She was my first love and I still have this fantasy that she will be my last love, but I have learned to take everyday as it comes. I watched Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind today. Its her favorite movie. She said she could most relate to it, and I wanted to see. And she does, and I do. I feel like joely and she was my clementine. I posted a blog on myspace of all the amazing quotes from the movie and she posted a comment and said in it “i understand…i really do.” and now her display picture is…

I want to believe i’m the one that she loves and can’t let go, and wants to hold all through the night.

Artisically Motivated

I have been completely captivated by this wood work.  I believe i’m going to start my new project today. I want to start the chess set. I don’t know if maybe I should start small and maybe do a Checkers set. I just have to find the measurements for the board. I’m so excited about it. I finished my octopus but I can’t find the stain that I need to completely finish it, but this is what it looks like now…

I am very happy with how it turned out.

More soon…

Artistic Goals

Projects

• Create a Chess set and Chessboard
• Christmas Ornament

More to come…

Major Switch-er-roo

I made the decision to switch my mjaor. I’m not going to be working towards the nursing program. I decided to follow my heart not my empty pockets. I’m going to work towards a bachelors degree in Art Education, to be an art teacher. I can’t wait to get started. I think I will be a lot happier in life if I choose to do something that I love. I like working with people in the healthcare world but not enough to devote my life or everyday just to work and make money.

I started this amazing new art project and I can honestly say i’m proud of myself. I was sitting at work yesterday and it popped into my head out of no where. I didn’t take the idea from something I saw online, It just came to me.

The Idea:

Take a piece of wood and carve out the outline of an octopus and then stain the wood with the new bright colored stains they have now.

After work I went to lowe’s and micheal’s to get all the tools i would need. Came home and worked on it for 4 hours until I got called into work. Its coming a long awesome. I’m excited to get home, to work on it again.

tempered by your heart

Wondering what I could possibly write about that is interesting. I find myself with a dilemma as the days get closer to when I need to register for classes. I want so much to be an art teacher, I want to be that cooky teacher that makes you do things with your artwork that you don’t want to do, I want to give people the confidence in pencil to paper, paintbrush to canvas, and palms to clay. I know that there really isn’t any money in that profession but I would be happy and free. My other choice is becoming an RN or LPN. I know that is the smart decision and would make good money. But that is really the only reason I would be doing it.

Do I follow my heart or my empty pocket?